Since church has been canceled for today, I am going to take the opportunity to blog about something that is very psychological, and some might even say spiritual about my reactions to live. The first part is going to be work related, and the second more general.
Reading the title,you have already gotten the idea, I am sure, that fear is the subject du jour. And since I have announced that this blog is about work, you may be wondering what fear has to do with work. Well, a great deal.
You see, I have been doing a specific function at work for several (about 10 years) and now, rather suddenly they have switched me to another task. The new task is something I have been trained on, but not done for literally 10 years, at least to the degree that I am to do it now. Secondly, to make it worse, I am being given this task because there is confusion in the office about how to do the task. People are not doing it right, so now, it has to come to ME to get it straightened out, and make sure the customer is served correctly. Now, did I mention that I haven't done this task ini 10 years, and am unsure HOW to do it??. It seems like, due to my reputation of being good at my job, I am expected to clean up stuff that I am unfamilar with.
Friday, I had what was almost a panic attack. There were several of these situations that I couldn't fiqure out how to handle and I almost felt like running screaming into the street. Terrified!!! I then thought, "well, lets see what I can do, one task at a time"...and gradually got myself under control.
The issue is why am I so afraid. I am terrified that I will do the wrong thing...that I will upset the customers and look bad. My reputation will go from good to terrible. This way lays disaster. But beyond that, what exactly am I afraid of? Is it simply that I am such a people pleaser that the thought of having unhappy customers is making me lose sleep at night, and have panic attacks during the day? It would appear so. Certainly I have a terrible sense of having to be totally responsible.
Now get this one. I found out Friday that the agreement between the union and the company was voted on by the members of the union and was rejected. Yes, that is right, after 5 months without a contract, the tentative contract has now been rejected. I don't remember this ever happening before but have been told that the last time it happened we went out on strike.
Now my mental state is interesting. Going out on strike seems like a viable alternative to staying in the office, and being on the front line under the conditions above. A part of me, varying in size from time to time, actually thinks and hopes that a strike might just give me the incentive to get off the dime. Since I would need to try for a temporary job while out, it might be something that could turn into a permanent one, and I could then, rather than return to the "firing squad", retire at the end of the strike and have a job to replace it. And BTW, use the money from the retirement to pay off my bills so I would be in a better financial position.
Now, I don't have any idea what is going to happen, but I do know that this fear is horrible. I have to either escape it or learn how to deal with it. Either option seems difficult with its own set of problems. Deal with it, one of the two ways, I certainly will, in time. It will be interesting to see which way. The advantage of escaping is that I could go somewhere where not so much was expected of it.....I could be the "new kid on the block" for a while. Would be a major change...perhaps for the better.
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